I have to show him all the jobs that I have either left undone or tried to do and made worse

My wife is out when Mark the builder is scheduled to come by to see what needs doing, so I have to show him myself. This, I know, will amount to a humiliating private tour of all the home repairs I have either left undone, or tried to do and made worse. It’s been two years since I last did this, so the tour will be extensive. Just before 11am the bell rings. It is a cold morning, but Mark, as usual, is wearing shorts. We start in the back garden.

“Here is where I tried to cut back the ivy and install two trellis sections,” I say, “but instead I pulled half the garden wall down.”