I can’t tell the GP ghosts are pulling my hair. That’s even more embarrassing than my previous ailments – ‘hot hand’ and ‘phantom phone’

I wake up with a headache. Not a headache, really – more of a head pain, and not exactly that either. I am sitting in the kitchen opposite the middle one, who is staring at his computer. My wife is wandering in and out, not really listening to the symptoms I’m trying to describe.

“It’s like I walked through a low doorway and cracked my skull on the frame,” I say.