After I was paralysed in a climbing accident, I discovered how inconsiderate, illogical and incompetent many wheelchair providers can be

I was lying on my back in an east London hospital, sometime in August 2023. I don’t know what day it was, exactly; by that point I’d mostly given up caring. My phone rang. I managed to answer, even though I had largely lost the use of my hands. (Luckily, a member of staff had left it lying on my chest.) Also, I wasn’t feeling great. In the early stages of coming to terms with the fact I was paralysed, I had just been informed that the doctors wanted to drill a hole directly into my guts, inserting a plastic tube to drain away my urine, effectively making my penis redundant. It was proving quite a lot to take in.

Nonetheless, I answered.

Conch-shell trumpets discovered in Neolithic settlements and mines in Catalonia make tone similar to french horn, says lead researcher

As a child, Miquel López García was fascinated by the conch shell, kept in the bathroom, that his father’s family in the southern Spanish region of Almería had blown to warn their fellow villagers of rising rivers and approaching flood waters.

The hours he spent getting that “characteristically potent sound out of it” paid off last year when the archaeologist, musicologist and professional trumpet player pressed his lips to eight conch-shell trumpets. Their tones, he says, could carry insights into the lives of the people who lived in north-east Spain 6,000 years ago.

After being incarcerated for murdering her partner, Ruth Kamande studied the legal system to understand her own case. Now she is fighting to reform Kenya’s laws

It is a cool, overcast morning in Nairobi, and Ruth Kamande is in front of a computer, deep in concentration. Next to her is a thick red hardback book entitled Laws of Kenya. Kamande, 30, a diminutive figure in a stripy black and white tunic dress, graduated with a University of London LLB law degree in 2024, and works with incarcerated women. Her office, a small light and airy room that she shares with about 10 others, is in Lang’ata maximum security women’s prison where she is serving a life sentence for murder.

“I used to admire lawyers very much,” she says. “It impressed me when I saw them in movies fighting big cases, but also for people in society who are marginalised. I didn’t know that one day, in very difficult and unusual circumstances, I would become one.”

Kamande, a prisoner at Lang’ata maximum-security women’s prison in Kenya, has successfully helped other incarcerated women win cases

Are you feeling festive? If not, here are some great and unexpected shortcuts, from fish pie to ‘intermittent wrapping’ to watching a seasonal film every day of December

If I haven’t wrapped up warm and wobbled around in circles, it isn’t Christmas. I can measure out my life in London’s ice rinks. Broadgate Circus in the early 00s, because it was cheapest and I was skint. Several seasons of Skate at Somerset House with my ex, because it was our “romantic” Christmas tradition (actually, he hated skating). This year, I’ll be mixing old and new: Hampton Court Palace, where people have been skating since the 1800s, and the inaugural Skate Leicester Square. As long as there’s a mug of something mulled afterwards, I’m happy. Rachel Dixon, travel writer

Years ago, a regrettable ex-boyfriend bought me a merman Christmas tree ornament so bizarre that it short-circuited my brain, unleashing something primal within me. Ever since, I have scoured department stores, gift shops and the darkest reaches of the internet for more mermaid baubles, like some kind of gay Gollum. I now have more than a hundred, including a flautist mermaid, several Santa Claus mermen and (my favourite) a merperson who is somehow also a pig and a ballerina. Unboxing my treasures at the start of December is both the first gladdening sign that Christmas is upon us and – arguably – a cry for help. Joe Stone, lifestyle editor, Guardian Saturday magazine

New Zealand police allege 32-year-old ingested the 18-karat gold egg – a James Bond Octopussy locket – and say the object has ‘not yet been recovered’

A New Zealand man has been charged with theft after allegedly swallowing a Fabergé James Bond Octopussy egg pendant worth more than $33,500 (US$19,200).

Police were called to a central Auckland jewellery store, Partridge Jewellers, on Friday afternoon after staff reported a man had allegedly picked up the pendant and swallowed it, said Grae Anderson, the city’s central area commander.

Sanae Takaichi’s not-so-catchy remarks about everyone working like a horse did not go down well in a country notorious for its demanding work culture

It is not, perhaps, a word many people in Japan will want to hear as they prepare for the bonenkai office party season and some well-earned time off over the new year.

But the promise made by Japan’s new prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, that she would “work, work, work, work, and work” on behalf of her country has clearly struck a chord.

Like the narco-state, a ‘scam state’ refers to countries where an illicit industry has dug its tentacles deep into institutions and transformed the economy

For days before the explosions began, the business park had been emptying out. When the bombs went off, they took down empty office blocks and demolished echoing, multi-cuisine food halls. Dynamite toppled a four-storey hospital, silent karaoke complexes, deserted gyms and dorm rooms.

So came the end of KK Park, one of south-east Asia’s most infamous “scam centres”, press releases from Myanmar’s junta declared. The facility had held tens of thousands of people, forced to relentlessly defraud people around the world. Now, it was being levelled piece by piece.

The king and queen’s visit to the former colony is the first by members of the Dutch royal family in nearly five decades

The Dutch king, Willem-Alexander, vowed on Monday that the topic of slavery would not be off-limits as he visits former colony Suriname, where the practice ended just over 150 years ago.

The king arrived in the capital Paramaribo on Sunday with Queen Maxima, a week after the small South American country marked 50 years of independence from the Netherlands.

Amar Subramanya will replace John Giannandrea after firm has struggled to catch up with AI rollouts by competitors

Apple’s head of artificial intelligence, John Giannandrea, is stepping down from the company. The move comes as the Silicon Valley giant has lagged behind its competitors in rolling out generative AI features, in particular its voice assistant Siri. Apple made the announcement on Monday, thanking Giannandrea for his seven-year tenure at the company.

Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, said his fellow executive helped the company “in building and advancing our AI work” and allowing Apple to “continue to innovate”. Giannandrea will be replaced by longtime AI researcher Amar Subramanya.

Norway’s most celebrated photographer made his name with calm, reflective images that sit at odds with his reckless life. Friends and family remember a paradoxical man

Norway has never looked as wet as in the photographs of the late Tom Sandberg. There are shots of drizzle and puddles, of asphalt slick with mizzle. A ripple of water appears to have a hole in it, a figure looms behind a rain-dappled window, a gutter glows after a downpour.

Shot in either bold chiaroscuro or gentle orchestrations of greys, these are pictures with the power to make the everyday seem dreamlike. But they are also uplifting, in a confusing kind of way, like being told to dress for sun even when the clouds are black.

Residents claim raw sewage and poorly treated effluent as result of Thames Water’s failings are threat to health

Communities across south-east England are filing the first coordinated legal complaints that sewage pollution by Thames Water negatively affects their lives.

Thames Water failed to complete upgrades to 98 treatment plants and pumping stations which have the worst records for sewage pollution into the environment, despite a promise to invest in them over the last five years.

Many uncertain about the future after losing everything in the country’s deadliest natural disaster for years

When the rains began, Layani Rasika Niroshani was not worried. The 36-year-old mother of two was used to the heavy monsoon showers that drench Sri Lanka’s hilly central region of Badulla every year. But as it kept pounding down without stopping, the family started to feel jittery.

Some relocated to a relative’s house, but her brother and his wife decided to stay behind to collect the valuables. As they were inside, a landslide hit the family home.

Police plead with parents to buy only safe, unmodified ebikes as Christmas presents

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New South Wales is considering a plan to halve the maximum power and top speed of ebikes, after a rider died in a collision with a garbage truck in central Sydney.

NSW police also issued a plea for parents who were considering buying an ebike for their child as a Christmas present to stick to legal bikes rather than more powerful and dangerous models.

It helps to have friends in high places

• See more of Fiona Katauskas’s cartoons here

• Manager criticised supporters for booing on Saturday

• Says Pedro Porro’s posts were ‘fair in every aspect’

Thomas Frank believes he will be shown patience by Tottenham’s owners despite the fractious home defeat against Fulham on Saturday which resulted in him criticising supporters for booing the goalkeeper Guglielmo Vicario.

After the 2-1 defeat – a third for Spurs in the space of six days – Frank said those who took aim at the Italian after his mistake led to a second Fulham goal for Harry Wilson were “not true fans”.

Survey also reveals Britons’ favourite festive film, views on tear-jerkers and family cinema trips

When Macaulay Culkin recently said he didn’t consider Die Hard to be a Christmas film – wading into one of pop culture’s most heated holiday debates – he was booed by a live audience.

But it looks like the British people are behind the actor, with a survey revealing that Home Alone is the UK’s favourite festive film, while Die Hard has officially been voted not a Christmas movie.

This old-school sitcom about a PE teacher who wakes after being frozen since the 70s is an impeccably deadpan send-up of masculinity. But it hits hardest when this unreconstructed man turns out to be right about life today

You can lay the demise of political satire at the door of stranger-than-fiction governmental turmoil. You can attribute the disappearance of pop culture pastiche to a fractured zeitgeist and the thinning out of the artistic mainstream. Yet there’s no obvious reason for the scarcity of jokes about contemporary society in comedy. Maybe it has something to do with the decline of the sketch show; perhaps it’s simply because there’s far less funny stuff on TV in general (during the 2010s, the BBC’s comedy output almost halved). Whatever the reason, when we get a chance to laugh at modern mores, we should probably take it.

Re-enter Mammoth, an old-school sitcom from the Welsh comedian Mike Bubbins. The 53-year-old stars as the eponymous Tony Mammoth, a PE teacher who was buried by an avalanche on a school skiing trip in 1979. A quarter of a century later he was unearthed – nice one, global warming! – with his middle-aged body and dated values perfectly preserved. Yes we can laugh at this swaggering alpha’s outmoded tastes and borderline offensive views. But the beauty of this series is that the comedy flows both ways: when Mammoth looks aghast at the things that pass for normal in 2020s Britain, it can be hard to deny that he has a point.

Disgraced and incarcerated music mogul claims footage in docuseries Sean Combs: The Reckoning was stolen

Sean “Diddy” Combs has taken issue with a splashy new Netflix docuseries on his life and many legal troubles, that is executive produced by his longtime rival 50 Cent.

The former Bad Boy Records executive and hip-hop star, currently serving a four-year sentence for prostitution-related charges, blasted Sean Combs: The Reckoning as a “shameful hit piece”, and accused Netflix of incorporating stolen footage.

Mental health of Rahmanullah Lakanwal, who is charged with murder, had reportedly been unravelling for years

The suspect in the shooting of two West Virginia national guard soldiers in Washington DC on the eve of Thanksgiving had been struggling with his mental health, sometimes spending “weeks on end” in isolation, as he tried to assimilate in the years since arriving in the United States, it has emerged.

According to emails obtained by the Associated Press, Rahmanullah Lakanwal’s mental health had been unravelling for years, leaving him unable to hold a job and flipping between long, dark stretches of isolation and taking sudden, weeks-long cross-country drives.

From Thailand to Indonesia, torrential flooding has carried away people’s possessions and homes, upending entire communities

• How cyclones and monsoon rains converged to devastate parts of Asia – visual guide

Aminah Ali, 63, was at home in the Pidie Jaya district of Indonesia’s Aceh province when the rains started at midnight on Wednesday. The waters rose gradually. It seemed like the usual flooding that happens during monsoon season, but then came a loud roar of water: her village was suddenly inundated.

With help from her son, she managed to clamber on to her rooftop, where she waited for 24 hours. Flood waters, 3 metres high, stretched into the distance. “I saw many houses being swept away,” she said.

Iranian film-maker won Cannes film festival’s Palme D’Or prize earlier this year for It Was Just an Accident

Iran has sentenced the Palme d’Or-winning film-maker Jafar Panahi in absentia to one year in prison and a travel ban over “propaganda activities” against the country.

The sentence includes a two-year ban on leaving Iran and prohibition of Panahi from membership of any political or social groups, his lawyer Mostafa Nili said, adding that they would file an appeal.

Demonstrators blocked the exit of ICE vehicles from a parking lot using garbage bags and metal barriers

A raid by federal immigration authorities on Saturday in New York City was thwarted by about 200 protesters, several of whom were arrested after scuffles with police officers.

The episode was the latest in which citizen activists have stood up to agents enforcing Donald Trump’s aggressive immigration agenda through targeted raids in various cities across the country after his second presidency began in January.

• Red Bull driver can win fifth world title in Abu Dhabi

• He was 104 points behind top after Dutch GP in August

Max Verstappen is fired up to go to Abu Dhabi and compete for his fifth F1 world championship after the Dutchman won in Qatar, narrowed the gap to 12 points within the championship leader, Lando Norris, and overtook Oscar Piastri to set up a three‑way season-deciding finale at the Yas Marina circuit.

Verstappen produced a superb drive for Red Bull in Lusail on Sunday but it was a victory handed to him by McLaren, who made a calamitous strategy call for Norris and Piastri.

Manuel Pellegrini’s team had key players missing but still enjoyed a first triumph at the Sánchez-Pizjuán since 2018

“What can I say?” Pablo Fornals said, “really nice”. Mostly, in truth, it hadn’t been, but it was in the moment when he had illuminated everything, taking Batista Mendy, César Azpilicueta and Kike Salas out for a walk – first this way, then that – and it was now, the 144th Seville derby finally ending 20 minutes behind schedule and with a Real Betis win.

“You dream of playing games like this, just playing them,” Fornals said as high in the south-east corner of the Ramón Sánchez-Pizjuán Stadium, 600 supporters in green sang, adding: “so to score and win, well, me, my teammates, all those lunatics up there and back home, you can imagine how happy we are”.