No rational judge could have expected England’s fall guys to succeed at the MCG where they were thrown on to a festive bonfire by a lack of red-ball cricket and a slack set-up

Guess who just got back today? Those wild-eyed boys that had been away. This was a day of brittle, over-caffeinated cricket, on an MCG pitch streaked with faint green ridges. But it was also a day when the boys were, however briefly, back in town.

Ben Duckett and Jacob Bethell have been the two protagonists in the grainy, Zapruder-style footage from England’s six-day, mid-series jig-about by the sea. True to apparent recent form, both were here for a good time not a long time as England were bowled out for 110 in 29.5 overs. Both batted like men groping for the light switch in the dark against a new ball that seamed the width of the bat at times.